My testimony 2021

In five days my 6 month old daughter, Robyn Joy, is having open-heart surgery. Although I am not thrilled about this, I have peace that God is in control. He is sovereign over her little heart,  over the surgeons, over my anxiety, over every aspect of this whole thing. Some people have been shocked at the peace and joy my husband and I have had through this last 6 months- having a baby with Downs Syndrome and a heart defect, relocating our entire family to Kansas City for three months to be close to the hospital, being in the NICU for 4 weeks. It’s been a lot. How can I have peace and joy through this? Honestly, it’s been kind of easy. I have had 15 years of intense, real life training on how to trust the Lord in heart-breaking circumstances, how to find peace that passes all understanding in the midst of impossible situations, how to find joy in God alone, when my world is falling apart, and no worldly joy can be found. 

Psalm 43 says, “There I will go to the altar of God, to God- the source of all my joy. I will praise you with my harp, O God, my God! Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again- my savior and my God! 

I grew up in church, and my family were Christians, but we never talked about God or our faith, or how to live for Jesus.  I knew God was real, and was with me, but I didn’t really know what that meant. I felt lost and purposeless. As I grew up, I knew I was missing something, but I didn't know what. I went to church, I believed, but I always struggled to be good enough and constantly felt like I was failing God. I didn't know this at the time, but I didn't understand who I was in Christ, so I had never surrendered my life to him. I loved him, I knew him, I worshiped and adored him, but my life was still my own and not his. It took me moving to Kansas, a place I swore I would never move to, to completely surrender my life to Jesus. 

You might wonder how I ended up here. I was born and raised in Connecticut, went to college in Massachusetts, and joined the Peace corps where I lived in Ghana, West Africa, for two years.

When my time in the Peace corps was over, I had no money and no home. My mom had moved back to Kansas years before to take care of her parents. I decided, since I had nowhere to go, I would move in with her just until I got my feet on the ground, then I would be off to somewhere "better." But as often happens, God had different plans. 

In 2006, after living here for a few months, three things happened that would change the course of my life forever. I helped plant a church full of people who would become my forever family, I met Jared, my now husband, and overnight I became a mother of three. 

After dating Jared for only a few weeks, we knew we were going to get married. This was the first relationship I'd ever been in where God was in the center of it all, and was in complete control.  Jared's parents were mentally ill drug addicts, and he had three much younger brothers that he didn't know how to help. The night I met his mother for the first time was in a hospital after she had tried to OD. Jared and I went to their trailer home to check on his little brothers. Their father was there but he said he was going to leave. That was it. He just walked out, leaving Jared and I with his kids. I called my mom and grandparents and asked them if I could bring three little boys home with me. If you know my mom or knew my grandparents you know that the answer was immediately yes.

Jared and his little brothers slept on the floor at my mom's house for a couple weeks until, miraculously, Jared found a house for rent around the corner. He and the boys moved in and Jared and I began our journey of raising these boys together, while the two of us lived in separate homes. He would watch the kids during the day, while I worked, and I would watch the kids in the evening and night, when he worked. After a few months of this terrible schedule, we got married on a Sunday morning right after church. 

Although being married was wonderful, and simplified a few things, life was still insanely difficult. There is no other explanation but Jesus for how we survived this season of our lives. We were learning how to depend completely on Him. These children we inherited overnight had been neglected and abused. They had witnessed horrible things. The oldest was five and he had been raising his one and three-year-old brothers. They didn't know how to eat at a table. They didn't know how to go to sleep in a bed. The younger ones didn't speak at all, only screamed. None of them were potty trained. They didn't have anything. We had started an instant family but had nothing. So we prayed and God provided. Usually the next day.  We prayed for shoes and they showed up. We prayed for beds and they showed up. We prayed for dressers and they showed up.  It was such a difficult time but it was filled with God's faithfulness and provision. It became kind of funny. We needed something and we would laugh and say, “let's just pray and it will show up”. And it always did. This pattern of God’s provision has continued, although instead of things getting easier as the years went by, life only got harder. It became apparent that all three of our boys had suffered immense trauma in their early lives, and continued to for the first few years we had them, as we attempted, and failed, to reintegrate them with their birth parents. Because Jared worked second shift, I was with the kids for bedtime. I still vividly remember the boys and I all laying in one bed because they wouldn't sleep separately. I had to read them books and sing to them for hours, dealing with crying and screaming and night terrors, and they would wake at the slightest movement. The night usually ended in tears for me as well. 

Eventually we were able to officially adopt them, and along the way we had a few biological children as well. But things never got any easier. The boys started exhibiting signs of mental illnesses, like their parents. Even as little kids they suffered from depression and anger like I had never seen in my life. They all have something called reactive attachment disorder, or RAD for short. This essentially means that no matter how much we tried to love them, they only rejected us, and tried everything in their power to try to get us to reject them back.  They believed they were going to be rejected and abandoned anyway, so they put up a wall and never let us through it, so that if they ever did get rejected, it wouldn’t hurt as much. 

Adoption is nothing like you see in the movies, where if you just love them enough, they will be fine. I know 100% that my boys are better off now than they would have been if we had not adopted them, but they are still so broken. My husband and I have been emotionally, verbally and even physically abused. We’ve had to call the police more times than I can remember. We’ve all been in and out of therapy this entire time. Recently, myself and two of my biological children have been diagnosed with PTSD due to all of the trauma we have endured. Two of my adopted boys ended up having to be removed from our home and put in state custody, for the safety of our family. That is a pain that's impossible to describe. Like a death. We've also watched some of our boys walk away from the Lord, which has been the most painful thing of all.

 

There have obviously been wonderful and amazing times, too. We've had our fair share of laughs and good times,

but it sort of feels like I've spent my entire life as a parent watching my children suffer and suffering along with them. 

BUT, And with Jesus there's always a but. As I was starting my new instant family, God also put us into another family- our new church (Restored, at the time; now Antioch). We called ourselves an Acts 2 church. If you're unfamiliar with Acts 2, it's where the church began, after Jesus' ascension into heaven. And it’s not church like we see it today. They were meeting in each other's homes and in the temple regularly, having meals together, and sharing everything they owned so that no one went without. There was complete unity and reliance on the Lord. They were constantly on mission, sharing the gospel daily, performing miracles and healings, praying without ceasing. We used this as a model of what kind of church we wanted to be, and because of that, my new church family walked beside us as we drudged through the valley of the shadow of death with our children, suiting up in God’s armor, to fight our spiritual battles with us. But not only were we able to rely on the strength and support of our church family, we were also all learning to rely on the supernatural strength of the Holy Spirit to sustain us. I was being discipled by some of the most faithful people I know. Eventually, I found that thing I had been missing all my life- the heart knowledge that I am a child of God. I am not my sin, I am not my past. I am not my current circumstance. I am God’s daughter and he is my good good Father. Receiving this truth allowed me to surrender my life to Jesus completely, and that means I’ve put all my trust in him. Today my hope is no longer in my circumstances, or even my feelings. My hope is in Jesus.  

This is why, when I got a phone call last year, telling me the baby in my belly had Down Syndrome and a heart defect, after grieving for a few minutes, we were able to hand it over to the Lord, and simply thank him for this precious gift he’d given us. She is a joy in our lives, and always will be, whether we have her for 60 years or only one. God is in control of that. 

My adult life has been one trial after another. We've made so many mistakes. There's so much I wish I could do over. But like I said before, my hope isn't in my circumstances or in my feelings. My hope is in Jesus alone.

He loves and forgives and heals brokenness and this brings JOY and PEACE. And even though things are difficult, even though my heart breaks for my kids, - I KNOW that God has got them. He has plans for them- my boys, my biological kids, and my sweet baby Robyn. Just like God rescued me out of my muck and mire, He can rescue them. Even if it takes decades. Things might be hard like this for the rest of my life.  But, I will always find peace in Jesus when I lean on him instead of my own strength and understanding. And, praise God, he will always make beauty from ashes, and if we are willing, he will always use us in the midst of our brokenness. I cannot tell you the number of people I have been able to encourage and love on in their trials simply because of what I've been through. In all this brokenness, God has used me to glorify him- and isn’t that the whole point of our lives? To glorify him? 

And even though Jesus wants the glory he rightly deserves,  he also wants us to live joyful and full lives. He wants to bless us and give us good things! 

While all these horrible things have been going on the last 15 years, God has also given me blessing after blessing, and has even used me for his kingdom! The world became less appealing and my heart started yearning for more of Jesus. I went on missions trips where I shared the Gospel daily with people who had never heard the name of Jesus. I’ve seen drug addicts come out of their addictions and people miraculously healed! I learned what it means to abide in Jesus and be His child. I’ve been used by the Holy Spirit to encourage others. I have been and am being restored by Jesus every day, and so is my family! 

What does it say that I am closer to God today than ever before, and yet the last 15 years have been the absolute hardest of my life? I’ve needed God more than ever. This suffering has brought me to the feet of Jesus. There's no reason someone can go through what I've gone through, and still have joy and hope. It does not look like my older boys will follow Jesus anytime soon. It does not look like they have the ability to have "successful" lives or meaningful relationships. It does not look like they will ever heal from their trauma. BUT, I have seen Jesus take boys just like my sons, and turn them into mighty men of God. I have seen it with my own eyes. My husband is one of the many examples I know. 

There is no earthly way that a mother can imagine her baby opened up on an operating table, and yet have peace and joy, and complete trust in the Lord. There is no earthly way that boys like my sons can grow up to be anything other than dysfunctional men. These situations have no hope. But Jesus’ name is stronger than trauma. Jesus’s name is stronger than a failed heart.  In a worldly sense, I should be scared to death about Robyn's surgery, and angry at God for giving me a baby with a bad heart. But in a heavenly sense, I trust the Lord. There's a reason he's given me this beautiful child, and she is in His hands. In a worldly sense, I should have no hope for my boys. But in a Heavenly sense, I have hope that God can turn their pain into beauty, like he has mine That one day, their stories will end with a beautiful testimony about the restoration power of Jesus' blood. He saved me. He saved me after everything I've done in my life. After everything I continue to do that breaks His heart. He knew it all, yet he left his throne in heaven, came to earth, lived a perfect, sinless life, died for me, so that I would not have to die. he took my sins off of me and onto himself  and gave me his righteousness and holiness instead.  So, not only am I NOT getting the punishment I deserve, I am also getting this amazing gift that I definitely do not deserve. then he rose from the dead and is sitting in heaven waiting for me and praying for me! The sin in my life deserves only death and hell. But that's not what I get. I get life and love and an eternity with my Creator in a perfect paradise, and this is the hope I have for all of my children.

Not because of anything we have done, but because we are children of God. With this truth, I can go through absolutely anything, and never lose the hope, peace, and joy that come from my Father. 

Jesus said, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." (John 14:27)

And my life verse, 1 peter 5:10 says this:  And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.

This is my hope. 

Where Faith is Not a Fight

Our trip to the Mountains

I forgot that I even had a blog, but this family vacation was so wonderful, I realized I needed to write about it. It isn’t just the fact that we had so many great adventures, but this vacation was a milestone for us. It was the first trip in years where we had all of our children together. And as an added bonus, this was the first family vacation where a particular one of our children did not have any incidents, meltdowns, or fits. Normally, whenever we do anything as a family for an extended period of time, we expect him to flip out at some point and negatively affect the rest of the family. It usually ends with multiple people in tears and many broken hearts. It’s happened at least once on every trip we’ve ever taken and it has created a lot of stress and trauma around family vacations. But not this time. We had normal teenage attitude, but in general everything went smoothly and everyone was great. It was a different experience for us, and my heart is so joyful and thankful to God for continuing to heal our children and restore our family.

Here are some amazing things we did with the kids:

camping!

 

chess

(Brendan is our family chess champion)

We hiked

We enjoyed nature and stunning views

 

We played in a waterfall (Zapata Falls)

Watch the video!

We played all day at this lake

 

where the big kids built a working raft out of driftwood

and we all got completely covered in mud (and a little sunburned).

 Just so you know, we are not sitting or laying in this mud. We are standing straight up. This is some kind of crazy sinking mud and it was clearly made for my family.

To truly understand this mud situation, watch this video! It was amazing!

 

We visited an alligator sanctuary where we held a baby alligator named Michaelangelo

 We saw tons of grown up alligators

(including the famous alligator, Morris, who starred in Happy Gilmore)

 

We touched and fed giant tortoises who were roaming around the park

We saw two grey wolves who were being held at the park until the wolf sanctuary could take them. (I put my fist a few inches away from the fence to let a three-legged wild grey wolf sniff me and he licked my hand!!!)

Here is an adorable video of Alexander playing with his new alligator

We visited and climbed the Great Sand Dunes.

Seth and Jared (with Alexander on his back) summited the High Dune (699 ft), while Brendan went an extra four miles to summit the highest sand dune in North America (750 ft).

We didn't actually take pics while on the dunes, but this is what it looks like from far away:

We found a great food truck for dinner one night where we encountered tons of hummingbirds!

We even got some to land on us!

Watch this video!

And here's my beautiful daughter

 

After our full and fun week with the kids, Jared drove them back to Wichita to stay with my wonderful, amazing, fantastic, unbelievably helpful, super-mom. I stayed behind to have a solo night in the wilderness, where I hiked, studied the Bible, and had an all out amazing time BY MYSELF! Yay!

Jared picked me up the next day and we started our own adventure with just the two of us! It was 6 days of no phones, no work, no kids. Just us, in nature. It was like a honeymoon. I cannot thank my mom enough for allowing this to happen!!

Here’s what we did:

Sunday we climbed the beautiful Arapaho Peaks!

We summited South Arapaho Peak (13,400 ft), 

 

then traversed to the summit of North Arapaho peak (13,500 ft) and back again. 

 

 

Funny story- I started getting altitude sickness on the way down so Jared sent me ahead of him, while he turned back to grab some stuff we had stashed on our way up the mountain. Lack of oxygen is not good for decision making, and after a few minutes, I lost the path. I closed my eyes and called out to Jesus to show me a sign or lead me in the right direction. As soon as I opened my eyes, a marmot appeared about 15 feet in front of me, and pointed his nose east. I was not sure if this was a coincidence or a sign from the Lord, but I started walking east, and there was the path! And that’s not all. This happened two more times! Twice more I lost the path, and twice, marmots ran ahead of me and showed me where the path was! I was on the path for a while when I started to wonder if I had gone too far.  Even though Jared and I had not been separated for very long, I started getting worried. The lack of oxygen was not helping my common sense. I wondered if I had been crazy to follow marmots this whole time. I cried out loud to the Lord again- this time for Jared to find me. A few minutes later I heard three short whistle blows- which is our signal if we get separated. At first I thought it might have just been birds and wishful thinking, but I heard it again, this time accompanied by Jared calling my name. He found me! I told him I had stupidly been following marmots thinking they were showing me the way, and he told me I was going the right way, so the marmots actually helped me! Thank you, Jesus!

We got down safely and all was well!

Monday we took the Pawnee Pass on the Continental Divide,

which is a very strenuous (but gorgeous) nine mile route, up to 12,500 ft... 

and back down to 10,000 ft where we camped at the beautiful Mirror Lake for three nights.

This is why it's called Mirror Lake:

This is the view from our tent!

Tuesday we were too tired to do anything so we slept a bunch and lay around in the hammock staring at the beautiful scenery, including this killer view of Lone Eagle Peak!

And Wednesday we summited Lone Eagle Peak!!!!!

It was incredible and the highlight of our trip. It is a class 4 route, which means it involves some pretty serious climbing (but without needing ropes) and even though Jared is a rockstar and does this kind of thing all the time, I am super proud of myself for doing it!

Here's us at the top!

And here are my favorite wild flowers I saw on the mountain:

Thursday we had a decision to make: Go back over the grueling and exhausting Pawnee Pass back to our car, or take the much easier 7 mile, down hill, hike to Monarch Lake, and figure out a way to get around the mountain and back to our car.

We chose the latter.  

We broke camp and headed down to Monarch Lake, praying that God would work out a way for us to get back to our car. We learned from a ranger that hitchhiking is legal in Colorado, so when we arrived at the lake, we started asking around. Two nice ladies gave us a ride to a town outside of Denver, and from there we called a Lyft to the trailhead, and our car. It was a miracle in itself that there was even a Lyft driver around- she showed up in less than 15 minutes! Both of these rides were filled with lovely conversations where we were able to share a bit about what God has done in our lives. Our wonderful Hawaiian Lyft driver also helped me plan my next vacation to Maui. :)

Side note: my amazing gentleman of a husband would not let me carry anything but water down to Monarch Lake because I was hurting from all our crazy adventures.

So here he is carrying EVERYTHING (and also hiking in his Luna sandals).

I love this guy.

Being in nature for two weeks (with no reception) allows a lot of time for self reflection and prayer. Every time I hike up a difficult mountain, I am overwhelmed with how similar to life mountain climbing is. It is so difficult and often you can’t imagine finding the strength to make it, but when you look around there are so many beautiful things to see, so many blessings along the way. You can always look behind you and see how far you’ve come, what you have been able to accomplish. The entire journey is filled with worship and praise for God- for who he is, what he has done, and the beauty he has created- along with constant crying out to him for strength and wisdom (and often relief from pain). It became clear to us how easy faith is in the mountains. We pray when we need strength, when we need to find the way, when we need to weather to change. And when He comes through, we are not even surprised, just thankful. (It started raining while we were on our way up Lone Eagle Peak, which would have made it impossible to summit, but we quickly prayed for Jesus to take the rain away- and immediately it stopped!)

Kristine Demarco's lyrics rang through our head this trip:

You carry me up the Mountain

Carry me to the heights

Where I understand your story

Where faith is not a fight

Those lyrics made perfect sense to us. On the mountain, there is nothing we can do but depend on Him. Faith is not a fight. It's easy. And the only thing that gets you through is having your eyes on the prize, fixing your gaze on that summit, on the reward you will reap from your hard work and trusting in Him. My life has been so hard the past 12 years, and especially the past 3 years. And just like when I’m struggling up a mountain, my dependance on God grows exponentially through each trial. Just as many of the mountains I climb seem way beyond my physical ability, this life God has given me is way beyond my emotional ability. Most of the time the only thing that gets me through is keeping my eyes on the prize- knowing that God is preparing a place for me- a place of beauty, rest, joy, love, and an eternity in His glorious presence. When you get to the top of a difficult mountain, there is nothing like it in the world. You know all your hard work, pain, confusion, and trials were worth it. You know every step- the beautiful ones and the difficult ones, got you where you are. All of the things you see and experience, you never could without the hardships. The hard things actually make the joy possible. Someday, we will see how each trial we encounter in life is actually leading us to God’s glory and getting us where we belong. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace. Reminding myself of this each day means faith can be easy in regular life too, not just on mountains. When you understand His story, faith is not a fight. It's easy.